“I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” -Romans 7:17-20
Apparently I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself. I was a new christian at the point, and the only thing I understood was that everything happens for a reason. Psalm 139:16 says, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Maybe I was meant to get involved with this mass of strangers I was playing with because they were unbelievers? Was I supposed to witness to them in some way?
I think I was trying to justify what I was doing. Not only did I believe I should reward myself for getting good grades, but I was foolish to think God was using me to glorify His name. What a lie!
My husband and I were discussing my blog last night and asking me if I remembered certain things. I didn’t. He mentioned leaving for work every morning crying, telling me I was hurting him. He had tried to show me a checklist of questions to determine if I was addicted. I laughed at him. I’m glad I don’t remember a lot of things, but it hurts me to know he does. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him in any way.
The day before his birthday that November, I tried lying and telling him I just needed to get away for a day or two. Made up a story that I was staying at a cabin up north. He knew better and followed me long enough to confirm his suspicions that I was headed to Virginia to meet my “pretend” husband, the father of the fake twin babies I was carrying.
I’m a bad liar to begin with. I can’t even fib about eating the last candy bar.
As I continue this journey of telling my story I’m beginning to recall some things. Mostly bad. I don’t wish anyone would ever go through this. My next entry will begin to tell about my new life in a new state in a new me I didn’t recognize.